tell me how you really feel

I've been trying to practice lately saying what I really feel. For those of you who know me well (presumably, everyone reading this), this is not exactly something I struggle with. The direct method has been my preferred mode of communication for years. However, among loved ones or in certain situations (personal or professional), we often subsume or sugar coat our true thoughts or feelings.

I recently caught part of He's Just Not That Into You on television. I've seen the movie before and remember having pretty mixed emotions about it--it was at once incredibly degrading and pathetic, and at the same time, very familiar.

Being honest is perhaps the best thing we can do for those we love. Of course we must do it empathetically and lovingly if the news we're delivering may be hard to hear--and of course, there are other times when it is really better just to say nothing--but friends can help us confront our own destructive behavior, bad decisions, and tough realities. Some of my most important self-realizations and growth has happened in these circumstances.

So bring it on! And, in return, I promise to be honest, loving, and sensitive to you through periods of toughness and of joy.

risk

It's not that I don't take risks--I just do so within a very narrow range--and they are these days generally very well calculated.

The latter part is not a bad thing; the former likely is, at least given how I want to develop. I've been thinking a lot of this lately as I've seen my friends around me take risks, big and small, to build the life they want to live. A good friend who I respect immensely recently gave me the feedback that he can see me doing anything I want but that I must push myself to take those risks and to dream bigger.

This resonated with what I myself had been thinking about. Even before this conversation, this personal challenge is one of the reasons I'm trying to do something entirely new during the summer before I start work.

Part of the difficulties for me, of course, is something I've written about here before: at this stage in my life, or perhaps as part of my character, I enjoy much more to share experiences with someone else--risks, successes, failures, experiences. I have little control over that variable, however, so perhaps charging ahead is one of the greatest challenges of all, and necessary to that development, is to charge on with my own plans and preparations.

inspiration on a rainy day

3 things this morning:

1) I'm so excited for this film to come out:



When I was an intern at Creative Time way back in 2003, they had recently completed a project with Vik Muniz and I've been following his work since. When Kevin first shared this video over the summer, I was skeptical. The movie seemed potentially exploitative, romanticizing poverty and moreover "saving from poverty," and advocating a missionary-like view of the artist. My position has softened since and I'm not sure why. Maybe I trust the artist and filmmakers more, maybe the cynicism has given way, maybe I am just ready for some beauty and inspiration. Whichever, it's opening at the Kendall theater on November 19. Holla.

2) My friend Lauren, whom many of you know well. She and her boyfriend Luke have been living in remote Chilean Patagonia for the past three months. I've recently become hesitant to say I'm proud of people because it implies some sort of positioning/ownership I'm not sure I'm comfortable with, but goddammit I am so proud of/impressed by/jealous of/happy for her. This is an adventure of a lifetime and after years in New York, it must be an amazing experience to just pick up for something so otherwordly. I can't wait to see what happens next and I can't wait to welcome her back to the US with open arms and see/hear more about this time. Read her blog. There's more adventure there than you can believe, including a recent run in with a bull.

3) Today's Letters Tuesday Question. I think I've mentioned this blog before and there are some parts of it that sort of make me want to scoff and churn, but overall, I love this idea of investing regularly in your relationship, of keeping lines of communication open, and of being open and proactive about taking care of those you love. Maybe it won't be everyday letters, but a regular practice of gratitude, appreciation, and forgiveness for those I love is something I'd like to create.

4) New Orleans tomorrow! Bring it on city of jazz, intrigue, and debauchery. Psyched cause Prospect 1.5 just opened too. Yippee!

lessons from today

Break-down: an expectation not being realized; an opportunity for growth.

Over the past months, I developed the following practice, especially in interactions with others. I've written about it here before:

1) spend the time to know what you want
2) ask for it without fear or reservation (or work for it)
3) put expectations on hold as much as possible
4) hope for the best
5) prepare for the worst

Of course 3 is impossible, but it does help to remind oneself. Then when those break-downs occur, it can be better managed and more mindful, hopefully even more of an opportunity for growth.

Interestingly, many of my recent break downs, and those I've seen or observed with my friends, have been internal or at least internally dealt with. Part of the process of personal growth.

perspectives on friendship

Good advice tonight from an old friend about friendship:

you want to think that you can just be 100% honest or yourself all the time with all of your friends, but sometimes there are extra layers of sensitivity

in the meantime, eat your own sensitivity a bit, if its worth it to you, and thats the thing you just have to assess how much you're willing to take/what is worth it to you 

And a reminder of a very salient example from her own life and our own friendship group: sometimes we can't partake in all parts of our friends' lives or have them participate in all parts of ours. We have our own baggage and sometimes it's heavier and it is all we can do to try to carry it ourselves to avoid burdening others too much. And in those times, we may not have a lot of arms left to hug or a lot of smiles left to share. And such is life, right? Such is life. The best we can all do is try to understand each other's position, the things we carry, and know that our actions are born from lov

the agony of grading and evaluation

I just returned home from handing back a large assignment for one of the classes I'm TAing and feel slightly wracked. (Indeed, I believe I'm supposed to be wracked with something, but I just feel more wracked).

Grading has been the hardest part of my fall. I agonize over it--both put it off, and then take too long to do it, made worse by knowing that students are waiting for their grades. I think in part it's because I remember the anxiety of being a first year and really caring about what my grades were (to suggest I don't now would of course be foolish, but it is so much less it almost becomes negligible in comparison). Furthermore, I don't want to upset them because I know that for the most part they really do put in the effort and thought.

That said, there is work that is better, and how do I recognize that? Plus, grades can be a powerful motivator and have been for me many times in the past. Never was I so challenged than when I was given a grade and told--you can do better.

It's just it feels so imperfect. I had a system, a scorecard, but there was still some arbitrariness, and my initial rankings get all screwy when I started scoring by the point system.

I just don't want to upset people. The parts of TAing I've loved most--mentoring the first years, teaching recitations--almost seem to be put into jeopardy by giving them bad grades. I at once don't want to disappoint them or make them feel they have disappointed me. I may be fretting too much about it, but I could not shake this feeling all the way home, and held off actually parting with the papers as long as possible, questioning how I could increase marks (and I did--I inflated significantly!), write more, give more positive feedback. As I got off the train, part of me wanted to turn around and scoop up all those papers again, save them and save myself from the process of evaluation.

rather be dancing

"'Humans and songbirds' are the only creatures 'that automatically feel the beat' of a song,' she said. 'The human heart wants to synchronize to music...'"


(from)

the future

I have been asked to plan my life a year in advance. And for someone who likes to make her decisions collectively, or at least with others, this is a difficult exercise. I am agnostic about many things in the future, mainly location, but I am pretty certain how I want my life to feel. In many ways, these are long run considerations though--it's the planner in me that frets about them. Where, with whom, and in what fashion how will I construct my life?

Instead of focusing on these long-term considerations, some of which must be decided by December (conclusions are forming), I will day dream about short-term plans (you cannot take the planner out of this girl). Dinner with old old friends on Tuesday, hurricanes in New Orleans on Friday, maybe snuggles on Sunday. Hopefully a heckuva lot of work in between.

I've also been daydreaming recently about taking the summer to do something completely out of the ordinary this summer before starting work: a project in Africa, perhaps. The idea scares me as much as it excites me. These past few years have been a lot about teaching myself to take risks and be comfortable in those risks, regardless of the outcome...the chips will fall where they fall and we seize the multitude of opportunities available. We must play it as it lays.

So here's to accepting the planner but teaching her to be patient, and to a short and long run full of flexibility, experiments, calculated risks, and a heckuva lot of joy.

investing

It's hard to start writing again without wanting to update, but that is not the purpose of this exercise. This is a letter to no one, but a space to process, to reflect, to be conscious and conscientious.

The freneticisim of the fall has begun to abate and I can focus again, make choices about how I want to spend my time and with whom, and begin to be the daughter, friend, person I want to be.

On Thursday, I made an important decision, more in its symbolism than anything else: I chose not to take on another course. Small, yes, but a step in the right direction of taking on only what I can truly handle and moreover, only those things that energize me and that I want to do. In fact, I just said no to something else tonight, something that might have been an honor. I am thrilled with my progress in shutting people/opportunities down. Ha. I jest, but it's an important skill to learn: there is no way I can invest and give where I really want to if I don't know how to say no. And there are too many opportunities, people, and experiences in which I want to give myself fully to say yes to those that are not up to par.

And of those experiences: A weekend well-spent (except now I have to get to all things I "should" do that I already committed to!): organizing life and thoughts, good friend rescue (I was rescuee) and staying calm in the face of misadventure (Boston parking, I do hate thee), dancing in gilt and glitz and a country cafe (the second wins), walks in the woods, and a lazy Sunday of good food and good hugs. That prototype is maybe getting there incrementally.

oh hello

It has been quite awhile.

The feeling of fall has developed into the full-blown season and the ground was littered with yellow leaves as I walked home today.

It has not been an easy few months. And yet, we neglect the things we need most to keep us stable. On the mat, when I need my breath most to keep my steady, I hold it in, and topple. Like in life.

I sit tonight and I catch my breath. There is much to do, there is much to say, but tonight is just the beginning again.