doing a good job

I'm feeling a little unnerved lately because I'm not sure I'm doing a good job. I've received positive feedback, but I don't quite feel competent or on the level of the rest of my team, which is hard. Of course, no one expects me to be--I've been at this only 7 weeks--but still, I hate this feeling. These situations are generally good for me--they're a kick in the butt to get better, do it faster, more carefully, smarter.

We all like the feeling of competence and in work and school, I generally find it easily. But the most transformational moments have been those times where something or, usually someone, has challenged me, saying what you're doing is not enough. In 6th grade, my math teacher refused to let me pass the buck. She told me, and she told my parents when I started struggling with the more thought-intensive (as opposed to transactional) word problems, "She's better than this." It was her belief in me and refusla to let me slide that pushed me forward significantly. In high school, I had two very influential history teachers, one in art history (who largely determined the initial arc of my academic and professional interests), and one in 20th century american history. Both pushed my writing, pushed my logic--you're better than this--and made my thinking, my vision, and my articulation deeper, sharper, and better grounded. Part of it was just the administration of bad grades (or worse than I was used to receiving), part of it was the subsequents discussions with them about how to move forward.

The ex, too, was instrumental in pushing me this way, particularly in logic and rationality (which I still choose to use intermittently, or as it suits me). "You're better than this." My intelligence was one of the things he did believe in and value about me, and he pushed me to think more clearly, cover the logical holes, and release emotion as much as possible (which, often, is not possible).

I'm beginning to feel like this experience, too, will push me forward, but this time, from my own momentum.