I just returned home from handing back a large assignment for one of the classes I'm TAing and feel slightly wracked. (Indeed, I believe I'm supposed to be wracked with something, but I just feel more wracked).
Grading has been the hardest part of my fall. I agonize over it--both put it off, and then take too long to do it, made worse by knowing that students are waiting for their grades. I think in part it's because I remember the anxiety of being a first year and really caring about what my grades were (to suggest I don't now would of course be foolish, but it is so much less it almost becomes negligible in comparison). Furthermore, I don't want to upset them because I know that for the most part they really do put in the effort and thought.
That said, there is work that is better, and how do I recognize that? Plus, grades can be a powerful motivator and have been for me many times in the past. Never was I so challenged than when I was given a grade and told--you can do better.
It's just it feels so imperfect. I had a system, a scorecard, but there was still some arbitrariness, and my initial rankings get all screwy when I started scoring by the point system.
I just don't want to upset people. The parts of TAing I've loved most--mentoring the first years, teaching recitations--almost seem to be put into jeopardy by giving them bad grades. I at once don't want to disappoint them or make them feel they have disappointed me. I may be fretting too much about it, but I could not shake this feeling all the way home, and held off actually parting with the papers as long as possible, questioning how I could increase marks (and I did--I inflated significantly!), write more, give more positive feedback. As I got off the train, part of me wanted to turn around and scoop up all those papers again, save them and save myself from the process of evaluation.
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