First cry from the job tonight. You can't have my time from 7am through midnight and expect me not to break. I just can't do it. I'm bristling at the reins. I don't want team dinners--I want time to work out. I don't want to go over pages, I want to sleep or talk to people I love, or hell, even people I like, people I can really laugh with or snuggle into. I want to read The New Yorker fiction issue and The New York Times. I want life outside these Powerpoint pages.
I will come and I will work and I will give you my time from 7am-8pm. I can even care from 7am-9pm. I was fine until almost 10 tonight. I can give you that. Is 14 hours not enough? Please, give me the rest. Is it a contest to work more? Because I will gladly lose. I feel the resentment building, and the corresponding apathy. It is week four. It is too early and I don't know how to turn it around. I don't know what self-administered pep talk is going to work.
There is so much else I want to do and so many things I don't want to miss. I wanted to take that drive tonight. How can I stay patient, centered? How can I turn this positive? How can I find some control?
I need someone to see this fraying and give a hug and squeeze and a you can do it and a you'll be fine, just keep going, just keep going, you'll be fine, I'll be here, I'll be here, I'll be here. Pull me back together where the seams are loose.
[post-writing: This post makes me feel melodramatic and a little pathetic and more than a little whiny. It's day 1 after a relatively work-free long holiday weekend. They pay me extraordinarily well. The team is nice, they care about my success. The hotel, food, everything is free. It's only 10 weeks. Many others would take my place. Many others can hack it. What am I complaining about?
Then again, as two good friends reminded me again and again this year (thank you Amanda and Kira): Rya, it's ok not to be fine.
You never quite know just how much you value your freedom (or choice)...or, hey work, you're fucking with my abililty to plan.]
Only a little while left and think about it this way... at least you get to see this corporate world through beautiful, new (albeit not rose-colored) glasses. Love you!
ReplyDeleteyes, only a little while left. and now you know. just think - then you'll know. which is so much more valuable than not knowing.
ReplyDeleteyou're of course absolutely right however... this is NOT life. powerpoint IS a prison. and there ARE people who compete to work the most, because they're built that way. but god did not build you that way, and i say, amen to that.
you'll find your happy soon enough, my girl - hang in there.